“With great facepaint comes great responsibility” or the Beltane Transformation (Beltane Fire Festival, Edinburgh)

After the first time I heard about Beltane from a participant that year, the word “journey” got stuck in my head. I remember that in the same conversation, everyone smiled about this fellow using that word, which some people promise they would not use that easily, but as at some point they become so involved with Beltane, that they not only become a part of Beltane, but Beltane becomes a part of them and spins the wheel of their life with slightly alternated direction and speed. But what am I talking about you must wonder? This blog entry is about how I returned to a place that holds a special place in my heart, Edinburgh, after having been away for a long time, how I lost myself there, but was carried over by amazing people and how I was reborn refreshed and stronger.

In the night between the 30^th of April and May 1, the middle between equinox and solstice, an old tradition is revived and celebrated as the Beltane Fire Festival in Edinburgh. The celebration, known as ‘Walpurgisnacht’ in German and ‘Beltane’ in English, is a tradition also present in the Gaelic culture, celebrating the arrival of May Day and the promise of summer that comes with it. Rituals performed on this day included extinguishing all old fireplaces and making fresh fire, from which the herds and lights would be re-lighted anew. Wells would be visited, as their water means blessing and youthfulness. Beltane is also a celebration of fertility. In Edinburgh, this celebration has been revived and grown into a big festival, the Beltane Fire Festival. Coming to Edinburgh this April, I had (and have) the amazing chance to be part of it.

But let’s tell this (rather long) story along its line. For those who know me, you know that my life is interwoven with Scotland and its people, especially a lovely bunch of them in Edinburgh. Many of you also know, that one reason I was there very often those four years before I went to Japan, was because I was in a relationship with a certain someone from there. It was a good four years, and I would not want to miss them. But as time flies and paths do not always go parallel, the two of us are now going separate ways. I was absolutely sure I wanted to come back to Edinburgh as soon as possible after returning from Japan, and now was the time. Arriving at the airport though and having no one waiting for you there did feel somewhat strange though. I took the bus into the city centre, and headed to the hotel I was staying at for the first two days. The reason for this was that I needed to ensure peace and quiet and a space where I could prepare my scholarship interview that was announced for the day after my arrival, to be happening over Skype. So, to the hotel I went. Alone. Not lonely (yet) at this point, I was busy, had to check in, head out for food, prepare my interview, etc. It was a wonderfully sunny day, and I could actually head out in a T-shirt – and my black hat. Funnily, this hat always gets me involved in stuff and talking with people – and so it did this time. It got me enjoying the sun with a stranger that only lived in the ‘burgh for two months, and a retired professor at the Elephant House, with which I had a really interesting and very insightful conversation about men, women and why we behave the way we do. He must have been around 70, but even he did not have an answer – and of course, who am I to know yet, I have still so many experiences to make! Maybe, hopefully, I will be wiser than today when I am his age.

I had these encounters with people that I didn’t know before, but I was also longing to see some of my friends from back in the days. I was getting nervous, too – the scholarship interview next day, and the half dreaded, half looking forward to it-talk with that someone that was the reason for me to having spent so many hours at the airports of Basel and Edinburgh in the past a day later. Luckily, one of my oldest friends was free that night, and – how fortunate – also group organiser for the Beltane Stewards that I would be part of at the Festival. It is one of my oldest and dearest friends in that town, one of those people that are angle points in your life, and that you are sure of that they always have an answer, whatever the question might be. After a pint, a conclusive ‘How to be a Steward’-briefing and a walk home to the hotel, I felt already more reassured and settled. Still, my mind was not exactly where it should have been, I slept bad that night, and was very nervous at the interview. Something in me felt out of place, and needed to be fixed. Roaming the streets in the afternoon, I could not concentrate on the shopping that I wanted to do, or on enjoying Edinburgh as I used to do as Au Pair, walking through windy alleyways before breakfasts would start on Sunday mornings. All these corners of the city were whispering stories to me, and flashing me pictures of happy times that were happy but gone. I think it was at that moment that I physically bid farewell to those relationship memories. And if you empty a jar of something, it is an empty hole that stays. I was not sure how to fill that hole, was not sure if this city was still my city, if I would manage to find my place within it during the coming days, or if that was it – time to move on, to look for another home. I was incredibly grateful that this person that caused the happiness in the past and the pain in the present agreed to meet up on Friday morning, so we could talk things over. I cried, I shouted, I asked, wondered, doubted and reflected, on him, on me, on us. The sun was out and I had a look over the city, speaking everything out that was clogging up my emotions. First looking over the Firth of Forth, I then managed to regain posture and hope sitting under those two trees on Calton Hill, feeling the warmth of the sun on my skin. Thank you, for taking the time, and thank you for the past years.

As emotionally exhausting as this was, I could start anew. I went back to the hotel I was staying at and grabbed the handle of my way too heavy suitcase, that I would deposit at the friends I would be staying with for the following week, friends that I have met very randomly when flying up to Edinburgh one day, seated in the same front row of the airplane, as we all decided to put our luggage in hold due to a full airplane, and that I met again when boarding the bus to Glasgow a couple of days later. We stayed in touch – Facebook CAN have advantages! – and they acted up on my request after a bed in Edinburgh. I was very happy to see them, and I had a wonderful chat with her, that welcomed me warm-heartedly into their new Edinburgh home.

Before staying with them though, I went to visit other friends that I haven’t seen for a very long time. The couple used to live in the same village I was au-pairing in, and I was playing music together with her in the Baroque Orchestra in St. Andrews. For the coming day, they also had a housewarming party planned, and I felt very happy and honoured, that I could occupy their guest room during that busy time! We had a pint at the pub, and then shared a couple of very fine drams and wonderful insights on life and love, while I was watching them prepare their wonderful brownies for the next day. (They are legendary, by the way. Omnomnom). The following evening, I attended the latter half of the housewarming party – thanks again for having me! J

In the afternoon on the same day, I would also do my first steps into Beltane. Gosh, was I nervous walking down the Royal Mile in order to arrive at Hunter Square, where the Beltane Busk was happening. The Busk is a chance to give people a taste of Beltane, to awaken their appetite to see more on the night. I knew that I had to go and look for the Stewards Group, that’s the ones that keep the crowd at bay and care for the safety of performers and the public. I gazed over the heads, some of them with red, some with white makeup, a green man, but I could not recognise a familiar face. The thoughts in my head at the moment: Who are they? They are probably a group already that is very familiar with each other, how would I fit in? Isn’t it arrogant of me to just arrive so shortly before the actual event (most people prepare the festival for up to four months in advance)? Should I stay, should I just walk by and pretend no one has seen me?

But once I got up the steps to the platform, I was welcomed by a group of mostly black dressed, friendly, hug-loving and very welcoming bunch of Stewards that would become my friends over the next few days. That’s the thing: As scary as something might look, when you get closer, it is not that dreadful at all! My task was then to walk around with a bucket in order to collect donations for the festival, and to hand out flyers. I got facepainted – that’s a good trick to make you feel part of the crew, too, by the way. And finally, I met some of my other old friends. It was good to be back.

And as many of these friends also belonged to the so called SMBC– Sunday Morning Breakfast Club – Circle and because this was my only Sunday that time over in Edinburgh, I made them get up incredibly early, and to meet up for breakfast at 9am. Given the breakkies would usually start at 10.30ish the earliest, 9 really was early, and the one after we invented the term Nick-time, was surprisingly even among the first to turn up! It was a lovely meal, and good to have those people around me again. The reason for having breakfast this early was that we had to be up on Calton Hill for 11:30am, to attend the Second Walkthrough meeting for the Beltane Fire Festival.

The Second Walkthrough is basically the last chance to sort confusions when something goes wrong, to change plans, and to explain one’s place in the procession to people like me that decide to fly in only a couple of days before the actual event. I was very glad about this dress rehearsal. I tried to memorise my position, to watch out for possible dangerous points that could happen on the night, and also to remember everyone’s name. Well, maybe not everyone’s – all in all, around three hundred performers and crew took part on the night. But at least of the Stewards group. At some point during the walkthrough, we could see clouds coming from all directions towards the hill we were practicing on. This made for breath-taking views, with the almost blueish black clouds and the beams of sunlight in between them on the backdrop of the Scottish coastline. At the place where the whole procession would gather in a circle to watch the death and rebirth of the Green man, those clouds clashed, and we suddenly felt hail. Despite some people not being fully awake yet, and some others probably never having gone to sleep during the previous night, a magical atmosphere was created at that mound, I began to understand some part of what this “journey”-thing meant. The performers come from many different countries, backgrounds, and the paths of life of some of them have been and still are quite rugged. The community working on this celebration of renewal together creates something though, which is bigger than the sum of the individuals. Afterwards we went to the pub to socialise, and I got the chance to meet many more of the performers, some in personal talks, and some in banter. And the more I let myself fall into these many arms of the people that would accept you just the way you are, the more the emptiness I felt only three days earlier disappeared, and was replaced by a new sense of friendship, love, being part of the Beltaners. If I talk of love, I don’t mean that possessive kind of love that makes you cling to only one other person, who you expect to fulfil all your wishes, your knight in shining armour. I mean that sensation of admiring other people’s beauty, their fate, what they made out of it and where it has brought them so far. The sensation of acceptance and accepting, of giving without asking for something in return, because you know it will come back to you anyway in some form or another. The sensation of sharing a piece of this adventure we call life together.

I was really excited for the Beltane night to finally arrive. In the meantime, I was staying with a Swiss couple that gave me an insight into what moving to Scotland for good really meant: They are opening a Swiss bakery in Edinburgh, their new home ( For their website, check: http://www.daniels-swissbakery.co.uk/!) They were really wonderful hosts, and I had the probably most beautiful guestroom in the whole of Edinburgh: The view from my room even showed me the Royal Yacht Britannia, the former ship of the Queen of England. It was very convenient to get into town from the new harbour area, and from there I spent the next days shopping for a dress I could wear at the upcoming wedding of a very dear friend of mine, charity shop clothes made from natural fiber (as anything acrylic would be a fire hazard on the Beltane night) for the night of the 30^th which was said to be very cold but not rainy, and meeting up with various people.

And then, finally, I was so excited that I woke up at 7am despite having had the firm intention of sleeping in as I wouldn’t get much sleep the following night – Beltane day arrived! And everything on that day then brought us closer to the celebration: Meeting up for a last cue-through, as the stages have been constructed, having food, spending some time relaxing and failing miserably at Mario Kart, and then I picked up a brush and tried myself on face-painting. A lot of firsts that night: I have, for example, never before painted a guy’s ear black. Hihi. As I was so busy painting the faces and getting dressed, and stuffing emergency bags and water bottles into my pockets, I was the last one to receive face-paint – and then, we departed for the hill! That feeling, walking as part of the Beltane Stewards up the curved street to Calton Hill from the getting ready space; with high vis vests and orange-and-black face-paint, that transformed you somehow – with great face-paint comes great responsibility, and I was getting a little bit nervous, if I would manage to stand my point against the crowds. The thing with face-paint though is, that it can give you just that extra bit of confidence you need, and therefore we were sure to perform well on the night. As a last act before the festival start, we received the rune Algiz ᛉ that stands for protection, as a mark on the middle circle in our forehead from our group organisers. Then, the gates were opened, and the people started to fill up the space in front of the National Monument on Calton Hill very quickly. The estimated number for visitors on the night was approximately seven thousand visitors – what a crowd. Working concentrated, focused on the task and without any major casualties, the ceremony was conducted. Personally, I felt the magic of the ritual much more intense during the second walkthrough, as this time I had to focus on keeping the crowd out of the performance, rather than watching the procession. The tension of responsibility only fell off my shoulders when I went to watch the remains of the bonfire once the visitors had left the hill. “Happy Beltane”! It was finally the time, and the journey of all those people had worked me in, too. Beltane was and is now also part of my journey. By the way: for pictures and more explanation on the Beltane Fire Festival itself, check the society’s blog: https://beltanefiresociety.wordpress.com/)

After the party is before the party of course, as the after-party at the Caves was to follow. Dancing, hugging, colour-exchanging, kissing, and blood-boiling drum-performances were part of it, and as it is a closed party for the performers and their plus-ones only, people really were there to have a great time. I was thus very surprised when we stepped out the club and saw that dawn had already progressed quite a bit. The after-after-party was the ascent to Arthur’s seat, from where we would greet the new day, and wash our face at the old well on the path up the mountain. Exhausted yet refreshed, we huddled up in a big pile of cloaks, coloured limbs, messy hair, a bonfire, some drinks, and the feeling that we were exactly where we needed to be at this point in time and space. The sun rose, the frost on the grass thawed, and the day blurred into naps and waking intervals. I was also very happy to have made a new friend that night, someone I could watch the sunrise with.

Is Beltane a journey? It probably is. I feel reconnected with Edinburgh now, the city where I can be most who I really am with likeminded people that accept me as that. Edinburgh IS a home. Nevertheless, it is not the place I am staying, at least not at this point in life. It is a place that keeps inspiring me, that makes me strive for my best; that encourages me to become a better person and to ask what is really of importance in life. A city of friendship, stories, food, of madness, of sad stories, tragedies, of hope, wishes, of transformation. Beltane has managed to give my life that felt somehow stuck before after hanging in the post-Japan phase a new spin, of reminding me that what I have is good and what I do is alright. I want to thank everyone that was part of it, and that is part of it, for their unconditional love and acceptance. You are beautiful.